from
The ContendA who wears one red SuspendA
Duncle and SuspendA stooped to conquer....
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7/12/98 - Look for a NEW? SuspendA'd Sentences every other Sunday
but ended up with Tee and Sympathy!
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6/28/98
Coming down from the pyramids and
shaking the sand out of my A&P baggy pants
[Please see previous SuspendAd Sentences from 6/28/98]
Duncle and I felt pretty cocky about the match.
We came through Hole one and were tied with Dman and Dnick.
We proceeded through the gate to Hole 2
and found ourselves Outback and upside down in Australia.
[Everything in my overloaded pockets, Spirit Sticks, etc. came tumbling out,
littering the ground with fairy dust.
and my blood rushed to my head]
HOLE 2 - PAR 4 - WOMBATS WARRIORS
The most complex thing about this hole is that all your
strokes
must be executed while you are seated in a kangaroo's pouch.
You have to be precise in timing your swing in between hops
in order to make perfect contact with the golf ball
and not get sick from the up and down motion of the hops.
[Following Beanie Baby's advice, Duncle and I swallowed seasick
pills before beginning.]
The pills didn't seem to be working because I began to look like
something leftover from Christmas - my face turning bright green
in contrast to my red SuspendA - as the Roo's motion continued.
I wuz having an acute attack of Outback Rumbles and had to excuse myself.
By the time I got back to the tee Duncle, Dman and DNick had already
completed the hole, entered their scores and were waiting for me at The Top End.
Duncle had held his own with the 2 of them and we were still tied.
DC handed me a club from his Caddie bag that he suggested I use on this hole.
The shaft wuz bent slightly in the middle, so that it resembled a Boomerang.
I teed up and swung, sending the ball on a straight line through the Corroboree,
heading directly for the hole located at The Top End.
I shook my fist triumphantly in the air, anticipating a Hole in One
which would put our team in the lead by two strokes.
The ball got to the lip of the cup, slowed down and swung around
in a wide arc and returned back onto the tee...
My mouth fell open in disbelief and then I remembered Beanie Baby's advice,
"Be careful when you use the Boomerang club...You need to calculate
overshooting the hole so that on its return to you it falls in the hole."
[When I looked over at DC he wuz smiling sheepishly and shrugging his shoulders].
It took me two more arcing shots to get the hang of the right curve
before finally successfully sinking a putt.
Embarrassed again, I dejectly joined the others at the Top End.
We were now behind one stroke after the first two holes.
SpencA and MalendA, not wanting to watch any future embarrassments
went off to the Pint Side of the course to play in DFriendz Playground,
cuddle some Cherished Teddies, chat with DGeneration Xers and watch
the Rumble Arena match taking place over at DKidtendAs.
GlendA, chatty as ever, wuz in DPapa's Chat Room answering questions, like
"What's it like being married to DSuspendA?...
Is he the same way at home as he is at the office?...
What are your plans when DSuspendA hangs up his SuspendA and stays home with you?...
(A LOUD SCREAM FROM CHAT ROOM INTERRUPTS MATCH FOR A MOMENT!!!)
HOLE 3 - PAR 3 - DCAPS - SOARING EAGLES
First walking in the sand, baking in the hot, dry sun, climbing Pyramids...
then bouncing up and down, upside down, down under in Australia...
and now climbing to new heights to arrive at the "Aerie" Tee off site...
I wuz sore and aching and really out of condition.
This wuz no fly by night, hole in the ground psrt of the course.
The idea here wuz to putt the ball around the outer rim of the nest
with just the right amount of velocity so that when it slows down
it rolls to the middle of the nest, past a group of unhatched eggs
and finally drop into the hole, located in the exact middle of the nest
without, as we say in 'Show Biz', breaking an egg.
[Or is it "Breaking a Leg?"]
Dman, DNick, and Duncle parred the hole and I got a Birdie,
putting the match back into a tie after completing the three holes.
[I got the birdie, who wuz flying low, and thought he saw a worm on my ball,
grabbed it in his beak and placed it neatly in the middle of the hole
and sat down on it, saving it for a late afternoon snack.]
HOLE 4 - PAR 3 Rings - RINGMASTERS
Before beginning this hole I took Duncle aside and told him
we were doing great and I would quit clowning around.
[Although I never really think that's what I'm doing.]
Dman and DNick were starting to realize this wuz not going
to be a breeze for them and they were in for a real battle.
This seemed like a pretty straighfoward hole without any pitfalls.
All you had to do, starting in ring 1 from The Side Show, wuz putt the ball
straight down the blade of a sword into the Sword swallower's mouth,
have it roll into a cannon barrel, where it will be shot out into Ring 2,
roll across a high wire balanced onto a seals nose, who will toss it onto a poy's back,
who rides it into the Center Ring, dropping into the hood of a tiny Volkswagon,
filled with Clowns from Clown Alley where it tumbles out,
sliding on a series of banana peels and finally into the cup.
[Nothing unusual here. I do these kinds of things in my everyday existence.]
While Dman, DNick and Duncle made their putts I stood off to the side
next to a herd of large, grey, bedecked Indian elephants, eating hay
and drinkin water while waiting to perform in the Center Ring.
When it wuz my turn to putt I took a step and ...SPLAT!!!!...
Slipped on a pile of Elephant droppings, sliding all the way up to the tee
where my club touched my ball, sending it on its journey down the gutter
alongside the sword for an errant gutterball,
neccessitating a tee reset and loss of stroke.
Duncle's nose began flashing a bright red
on and off as he fought to maintain his composure.
I wuz offered a job in Clown Alley, if and when my writing(?) career wuz over.
[Thank goodness GlendA, SpencA and MalendA were off someplace else.]
Due to this unfortunate embarrassment we finished the hole down 1 stroke again.
HOLE 4 - 12 - PAR 48 - DARKSBANE, CITY CRUSADERS,
FANTASY FIGHTERS, PHOENIX WARLORDS, STARFIGHTERS,
MIGHTY MAYHEMS, DEFENDERS, and THE PIRATES HOLES
These holes developed into a See-Saw battle.
The lead wuz constantly changing....
We were up...they were up....we were down...they were down...
[Just like most of my fights where I wuz up...down...down...down...]
Nothing unusual, definitely no embarrassments, just the fun of the day.
Until Duncle noticed why all the ups and downs...
We were so engrossed in trying to get the Elephant perfume off my body
we took a shortcut through the pond and landed in The Pint Side playground
and for the past number of holes were indeed engarged in a See-Saw battle.
[That's probably why all the kids were booing us for hogging the equipment.]
Back on track again, the score after 12 holes wuz tied once more.
Just one more hole to complete and victory wuz within our grasp.
The crowd wuz beginning to sense seeing an upset in the making
and were on the edges of their seats, anticipating this exciting occurance.
The Presidents in their box were doing the Presidential wave for the fans
and handing out 'Vote For Me' cards with their URL listings on them.
[Please see the previous issue of SuspendAd Sentences]
HOLE 13 - PAR 6 - KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE HOLE
Beanie Baby warned me that this wuz the toughest hole in the entire course.
First you have to play the hole as a knight, wearing a heavy suit of armor.
Your first stroke has to be timed to coincide with when the drawbridge
over the moat, leading to the entrance of the castle comes down.
It only stays down for a count of ten and then goes back up to its closed position.
[I reassured Duncle that there wuz nothing to worry about.
I wuz well aware of being down for a count of ten very often in my ring career
and wuz sure that we were going to beat those other two guys.]
Anyhow, if your timing is perfect the ball enters the castle, passes through
the Jousting Arena, hopefully avoiding being stuck with a lance,
ending in the center of the castle on the Round table
and dropping into the hole left by the missing Excaliber Sword.
DNIck, always precise and on target shot a five for a birdie.
Duncle wuz so Buttoned up he shouted Woo Hoo and holed his ball in four for an Eagle.
Dman, who has been here so many times that DHorses at the Joust
all stopped to have a chat with him as he walked by, holed his ball in 5, also for a Birdie.
All I had to do wuz Birdie the hole and Duncle and I would be winners.
DC handed me a club and teed up the ball.
I squeeked over to the tee in my rusty suit of armor
saw the drawbridge begin its ascent and when it landed swung quickly.
I peered through my visor slit looking for the ball to go over the drawbridge .
NOTHING!!!!!
I peered down at the tee. ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!
Still sitting there on the tee wuz the ball. I had missed it completely.
Same thing, again...
Duncle who wuz now Shouting BOO WHO tapped me on the shoulder and said,
"SuspendA!! Look at your club!!!"
I did. AAARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
The club wuz only about an inch and a half long.
DC had given me his own club for this shot. It wuz custom made for his size.
There wuz nothing else for me to do but bend all the way over
for the next swing, which I did but the visor on my helmet clanged shut
and now I couldn't even see where the ball wuz,
and I wuz tipping over from the redistribution of the weight of the armor.
Things couldn't have been going much worse. Dreams of victory were rapidly fading.
I ended up with a 7 for a Bogey causing us to lose by 2 strokes.
I kept shouting "Let me play it again, Sam!, Please".
Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright.
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light
and somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout
But there is no joy in Mudville
-- mighty SuspendA just struck out!!!
[Apologies to Ernest Thayer.]
We have received a number of correct answers to the current Conundrum
and will be sending out Golden SuspendA's
and RAM CACHE!!! prizes to the winners.
Go over and try your luck with the "Whacky Wordies!
Riddles - the answers to which involve a play on words, a pun or anything that puzzles.
DSuspendA's my name and ContendA ConunDrum's my Game!!
If you're up to playing just click
DSuspendA for this week's puzzling good time!
You might be stumped by DChump (oops!) DChamp!
DSuspendA will have a new "Wacky Wordie for you next time.
Hints are available by request!!!
As a special BONUS for anyone solving the Conundrums
DSuspendA will award the winners
$100.00 RAM CACHE
Can anyone out there suggest some Sites for the SuspendA's to visit?
Does your Site qualify for receiving "THE GOLDEN SUSPENDA"?
Tell us the NAME of the Site; THE URL; and which Arena it's in.
We promise to write about you giving a snappy SuspendA review
(time permitting) which may or may not translate into more votes.
Send your nominee to
DSuspendA, please.
DSpirit's Rumble Review for The lighter side of the Site Fights
bringing the many sides of
the Site Fights and it's fighters to lite!
Cruise the rest of the Site Fights rings also.
There's lots to see and do.
Please mail your feedback to DSuspendA at
"SuspendA'd Sentences"
and come back often.
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head on over to
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