from
The ContendA who wears one red SuspendA
A 5 PAR HEADLINE!!!
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6/14/98 - Look for a NEW? SuspendA'd Sentences every other Sunday
"GOLF PARTNERS PARTICIPATE
IN PARAPHENELIA TEST IN PARK
CARRYING MATCHING PARASOLS"
To read previous SuspendA'd Sentences click any of the dates below
3/9/97,
3/16/97,
3/20/97
3/23/97
3/30/97
4/6/97
4/13/97
4/20/97
4/27/97
5/4/97
5/11/97
5/18/97
5/25/97
6/1/97
6/8/97
6/15/97
6/22/97
6/29/97
7/6/97
7/13/97
7/20/97
7/27/97
8/3/97
8/10/97
8/17/97
8/24/97
8/31/97
9/7/97
9/14/97
9/21/97
10/12/97
10/19/97
10/26/97
11/02/97
11/09/97
11/16/97
11/23/97
11/30/97
1/04/98
1/11/98
1/18/98
1/25/98
2/1/98
2/8/98
2/15/98
2/22/98
3/1/98
3/8/98
3/15/98
3/22/98
3/29/98
4/19/98
5/3/98
5/17/98
5/31/98
Under the cover of matching parasols, DUncle took me out to
"Peter Potter's Putt Putt Putting Course in the Park" to practice.
(Whew! Try saying that tongue twister 5 times fast!)
First, I practiced different ways to eyeball putt distances
different poses and attitudes while thinking,
walked back and forth analyzing various angle options,
checked the wind direction by tossing a clump of grass in the air,
estimated the height of the grass, the slope of the land, etc. etc...
DUncle, lounging against a tree under his parasol fell asleep
and wuz dreaming about somebody named "WooHoo" or something like that.
By the time I finally completed all of the above and wuz ready to stroke
it wuz too dark to complete the putt.
Golf is a very tiring game and takes a long time for so little activity.
If this wuz a boxing match I'd be out on the canvas in less than 2 minutes.
The next day, following SpencA's advice, I wuz off to see the wizard
the wonderful wizard named "Beanie Baby" for a golf lesson.
[Please see 5/31/98 "SPENCARIAN ADVICE:
"TAKE LESSONS FROM A REAL PRO
AND USE THE OLD 'BEANIE'!"]
because I don't know the first thing about the game.
[Although a lot of you out there have voted in DFun poll
for me and DUncle to win the match.
I personally voted for the tie
which I hope I win because it matches my Red SuspendA!]
I had some time to think while I wuz waiting for him to arrive home after school
and began wondering whether he would be able to mold me into a ContendA
in the short time left before this Miniature Golf Match.
Golfers always impressed me with their calm, self assured attitudes.
There seems to be a little cockiness about them though when they prepare to tee off
and blatantly predict their score by shouting out 'FOUR" and swing away.
[It's sort of like the time Babe Ruth pointed to the stands and then
knocked the next pitch into that very spot, or when Mohammud Ali
recited his poem about when he'd knock out his opponent and then did it.]
SpencA says that Beanie Baby's student retirees
are worth their weight in gold as collectibles.
He should be able to teach an old dog like DSuspendA enough about the game
so that DUncle and I can swing rings around Dman and DNick
and win this match, billed as 'The Great American Putt On'.
My first lesson began shortly after Beanie's after school nap wuz over.
I followed Beanie around the back of his house where we crawled
through a hole in the fence leading to his neighbor's private putting green.
This took some time because my SuspendA got caught on the fence
and I kept being snapped back to the fence just as we reached the green.
[I seem to have experienced this yo-yo embarrassment many times before]
Miniature Golf Lesson #1
Before we officially began, Beanie handed me a ball and canelike stick
and said, "Here Mr. SuspendA, show me how you would play this game".
I put the ball down and started swinging away,
tearing up big divots of his neighbors neatly manicured lawn.
Beanie shouted, "No!..No!!. You're jabbing at the ball...
You're uppercutting the grass, moving your feet like a boxer
and feinting with the club!"
He mumbled something under his breath which sounded like
"I think I'd like to faint!"
there are 1000's of 'Beanie Babies' sites on the internet
and countless collectors of 'Beanie Babies' dolls all over the world."
"Let me explain a few things to you..", he continued
the object of the game is to putt the ball into a small cup
in the fewest amount of hits and then total up your nine hole score."
[I usually putt my teeth into a small cup after a few hits in my fighting days.]
Then he launched into a lesson about the importance
of using the right tee when setting up to begin a hole.
[This wuz an eyeopener for me. I always thought there wuz just
regular, decaf or herbal and when late afternoon wuz when
civilized people took a break for tee and crumpets].
He went over the details about pouring, steeping, sniffing and dunking
until he wuz sure I had grasped the importance of tee-ing off properly.
[WOO HOO, maybe DUncle and I can share a brew together when I fill him in about all this...
then I won't be the only one who listens to every thing I have to say.]
"Picking the proper club", Beanie said, "is equally important as tusing the right tee.
Length, size of grip, lefthanded or righthanded and weight
are the things to look for in selecting a club".
In order not to appear stupid, I quickly retorted,
"Wow!... The only clubs I ever belonged to were 'The Mickey Mouse Club'BR>
and 'The Padooka Palooka Club for Retired Pugilists'.
As an aside, Beanie whispered in my cauliflower ear,
"If you ever decide to step up to real golf, I also run a Driving School
and have a group of caddies I can personally reccomend."
I thnked him for the information and said,
"I already have a license to drive the SuspendAmobile, which by the way,
I am very happy with, so I guess I won't be in the market for a Caddy".
He moaned something about wishing he wuz somewhere else and just a kid again.
It wuz getting late and Beanie wuz getting cranky so he ended the day's lesson
by teaching me how to address the ball in order to send the ball on its
long flight towards the hole.
[I wuz shocked to think that shouting at the ball, using foul language
and not speaking softly, using polite terms of address like
"Sweet Ball" or "Best Ball",etc. can upset the little round bugger.
This would certainly cost you strokes and make for an unpleasant round .
Speaking of strokes, it looked like Beanie wuz having one when I told him this].
All in all, 'Beanie Baby' is a genius. In just one short session
he taught me everything there is to know about Miniature Golf and then some!
Watch out, Dman and DNick.
DUncle and
DSuspendA are on a roll....or is it a bagel?
IN TWO WEEKS
We have received a number of correct answers to the current Conundrum
and will be sending out Golden SuspendA's
and RAM CACHE!!! prizes to the winners.
Go over and try your luck with the "Whacky Wordies!
Riddles - the answers to which involve a play on words, a pun or anything that puzzles.
DSuspendA's my name and ContendA ConunDrum's my Game!!
If you're up to playing just click
DSuspendA for this week's puzzling good time!
You might be stumped by DChump (oops!) DChamp!
DSuspendA will have a new "Wacky Wordie for you next time.
Hints are available by request!!!
As a special BONUS for anyone solving the Conundrums
DSuspendA will award the winners
$100.00 RAM CACHE
Can anyone out there suggest some Sites for the SuspendA's to visit?
Does your Site qualify for receiving "THE GOLDEN SUSPENDA"?
Tell us the NAME of the Site; THE URL; and which Arena it's in.
We promise to write about you giving a snappy SuspendA review
(time permitting) which may or may not translate into more votes.
Send your nominee to
DSuspendA, please.
DSpirit's Rumble Review for The lighter side of the Site Fights
bringing the many sides of
the Site Fights and it's fighters to lite!
Cruise the rest of the Site Fights rings also.
There's lots to see and do.
Please mail your feedback to DSuspendA at
"SuspendA'd Sentences"
and come back often.
After touring the Site Fights action
head on over to
Empty Trash Talk.
We'll give you your own private tour of the cans.
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