from
The ContendA who wears one red SuspendA
SUSPENDA KIDS' GRAMMY'S MUSIC AWARDS
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Exclusive to the Site Fights
"1st Annual Grammy Awards" Presentation coverage.
When I arrived home from Nagano, Japan,
GlendA, SpencA and MalendA met me at the airport.
It wuz good to be home again, safely eluding the Samurai Sword of Doom!
[Please see 2/22/97 "...This Bud's for Lou...."].
Catching up on things when we were relaxing back in the SuspendA parlor,
I asked what they thought of my weekly Olympic Diary Reports.
SpencA, always an astute analyzer, said,
"Pop, lately there hasn't been enough family in your columns.
The Site Fights is basically a Family oriented Fun Site
and you should do something that's in line with that.
David Letterman uses his Mom for interview features on his show.
How come you never mention "Grammy" SuspendA in your travels?"
POW!!! Once again the boy hit the nail on the head.
I immediately picked up the phone, called her and asked if she would do a column.
My mom, Brenda SuspendA, an avid music buff who always listens to
all the latest hit vinyl recordings on her Mickey Mouse windup Victrola
said, "Sure". She would take out her 60's surfboard, love beads and make an
Awards Presentation Show to honor some of the Music heard on the Web
and I could report on it my column. Done deal!
(Open on exterior of Dhome Dome Building with Voice over Announcer)
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!! COMING TO YOU LIVE!!!
DIRECT FROM THE SITE FIGHTS
DHOME DOME BUILDING EMPTY THEATRE
(HEY!!! Isn't that supposed to be DHome Dome Building Amphitheatre?)
THE FIRST ANNUAL SUSPENDA'S KID'S
"GRAMMY" AWARDS PRESENTATION"
(Dissolve to Closeup of "Grammy" SuspendA holding mike outside building
as she comments on arriving celebrities over the roar of the crowd.)
"Oh, boy! There goes MacDonna, all spiffed up wearing,
a beautiful off the shelf, blue internet gown and cross platform shoes.
Yup! I just spotted a group of Wombat's Warriors kangaroo hopping through the crowd.
Fleetfood Mac just breezed by sporting the latest Waveform Clip Art haircut
followed by the artist formerly known as Prints wearing...OMYGOSH!!!...
A VAPORWARE SUIT which is causing naked embareassment in the crowd.
(I can relate to naked embareassment. I've been there many times in the ring.)
WOW!!!.."The Starfighters" just flew over in a brilliant, geeselike, V formation.
(What?...Oh...It wuz a flock of geese...Sorry about that.)
P.C.(Paulie Coal) just slid by wearing a Silicon Wafer thin black dress,
shoulders covered by a Mauve Netscape wraparound"
("CUTTT!!! Mom, can't we get to the music?...Please!!)"
(Cut to Opening Title and load opening music...UH OH everybody waits while music loads)
(Inside theatre wide shot of stage and zoom in to Mrs. SuspendA)
"Good evening everyone and welcome to my 1st Annual Awards Presentation.
It's quite a sight looking out at our celebrity filled audience,
glittering with an abudance of Fairy dust and filled with the spirit of the Fights.
I'm beginning to understand why my son, DSuspendA pays Dman to work for him.
(Adlib aside: I wish someone would pay HIM for doing his job, any job!)
"Our first presenter, recently returned to the Fights, hotter than ever..
Let's hear a big round of applause for Luke of "Luke's Firefighters!"
"Thanks "Grammy", it's great to be back with a great new team of Firefighters.
and Thanks to your son for the case of Red SuspendAs.
Now we'll see if Firemen wear Red SuspendAs
to hold up their pants!" (Giggle, giggle)
"The nominees for singles playing like Hotcakes on websites are
"These Boots are Made for Surfing" sung by the Bleach Boys,
"There'll be a Hot Time on the Ol' Web Tonite" by the Polka Dots,
and my alltime very most personal favorite,
"Ring of Fire Fighters" by Johnny Crashed..
and the Winner is....
"RING OF FIRE FIGHTERS"!!!"
(Unfortunately Johnny Crashed and won't be able to accept his award tonite)
Grammy, "Our next presenter comes direct from the Blue Nile...
the one you've all been asping for, this Mummy's no dummy,
(Aside: Unlike my son DSuspendA!)
Let's Walk like Egyptians and Welcome "DQueens Pharaohs"(Applause)
Thanks, Grammy, and unlike the Sphinx, I'm here to tell you our next winner
For the scenic "Pyramid Scheme" Album of the year cover the winner is
"LONG AGO AND PHARAOWAY"...Congratulations....
Unfortunately our winner is a guest at a minimum security facility
and wasn't able to be here tonite to accept the award."
"Some earlier winners in the Technical Categories were:
"Joseph and His Techi Color Dream Coat" for the new hit single
"I'M OFF TO SEE THE WYSIWYG"
"The Doo Wop Iomega Singers" for their "Zip-a-Dee-doo-dah" disc
Best Rap Solo by the group "Peel This Baby" for the
"CHIQUITA BANNER" lyrics
and "RAM" for their new Compaq Disc recording of
"AH, YES! NOW I REMEMBER WHAT'S HER NAME, WELL!!"
"To present the Award for the best Musical Boxed Album Set
is The Big Top's Top Showman from "The Ringmaster's", The Ringmaster!!!"
"Thanks, "Grammy".
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AND CHILDREN OF ALL AGES...
Whoops, excuse me, it's not easy teaching an old dog new tricks...
I know, My dog has tried many times and I just don't get it..."
(SNICKER....SNICKER!!)
"The Nominees are:
"Web Side Story" feature song "When you're a Newbie.."(Applause)
"A Little Light Music" feature song "Send in the Clones!"(Applause)
"Call me Modem!" feature song "My Baud Rate's the Best in Town"(Applause)
and "Dman Yankees" feature song "From Graphy to DPapa to DUncle"(Applause)
(A typo, maybe? or did Dman type this script?)
"and the Winner is....
"SEND IN THE CLONES"!!!"
(Mayhem breaks out on stage as 100's of Clones emerge from Compaq cars
and throw custard pies at each other and the audience)
"Our next presenter, is as familiar as the nose on your face at the Fights. "
(Grammy says back on camera, custard pie dripping from her nose)
"He needs no introduction..I give you "IC DC"
ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
(Done in by one's own mother!! I'm seeing the little guy again!!
Dr. Kronk's Site please come in!!!)
IC DC "Thanks "Grammy". Ya know, sometimes I think I'm one of theose Clones
who won the last award and that's how I'm seen all over the Site Fights.
It's not easy running around and being in place before surfers get to a site.
The only thing that keeps me in shape is working out at the "Training Center".
"But, now to the nominees for Web Nostalgia Albumn of the Year...
The nominees are
The Ya WHO's "Tummy" featuring "Trackball Wizard"(Cheers)
"The Webbers Revival Again" featuring "ON Top'A/OL Pokey"(Cheers)
Bob (I'm) Dialin's "I'm out of my Mind (Micro Soft Elevator Rock Music)"
featuring the already awarded hit single "WebMasters of War"(Cheers)
and the winner is....
Bob (I'm) Dialin's "I'M OUT OF MY MIND"
Bob, unfortunately is on the road performing a duet with an unknown crasher
and is unable to accept the award. He mumbled his Thanks to "Grammy", though.
"And now the highlight of the evening!..
To present the Award for "The Site Fights Lifetime Achievement Award"...
(Can 2 years be a lifetime? I guess so when you're having a great time.)
..My Son, "The ContendA who wears one Red SuspendA" !"
(Long pause)
"WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU THROUGH THESE HEADPHONES..
HE GOT HIS SUSPENDA CAUGHT IN THE SLO-MO MACHINE
AND IS STUCK? WELL GET HIM LOOSE!!!
HE'S DUE OUT HERE NOW!!!"
(Grammy aside: "I just knew I should have killed that boy when he wuz young!)
(Cutains part and very RED SuspendA comes out on stage
holding his pants up with one of his hands.)
"Ladies and Gentleman in the words of that fabulous comedian,
KING OF THE ONE LINERS, Henny Youngman
"TAKE DMAN,....PLEASE!!!
(DSuspendA turns and gestures offstage and as he does so his pants fall down)
The entire audience rose, donned plaid golf tams
gaily adorned with fuzzy pink Pom-Poms
and began singing enmasse
'WHO'S DLEADER OF DSITE
THAT'S MADE FOR YOU AND ME?...
D - M - A...
(A "GRAMMY' AWARD GOES TO MY KID'S, KID'S GRAMMY.
A SUPER, TALENTED, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!!!!)
Next week I will resume DKO'S and also a NEW COnundrum!
Watch for them!!!
Riddles - the answers to which involve a play on words, a pun or anything that puzzles.
DSuspendA's my name and ContendA ConunDrum's my Game!!
If you're up to playing just click
DSuspendA for this week's puzzling good time!
You might be stumped by DChump (oops!) DChamp!
CONGRATULATIONS are in order to DSuspendA
he has managed to stump you all for the past 4 weeks.
Hints are available by request!!!
As a special BONUS for anyone solving the Conundrums
DSuspendA will award the winners
$100.00 RAM CACHE
Can anyone out there suggest some Sites for the SuspendA's to visit?
Does your Site qualify for receiving "THE GOLDEN SUSPENDA"?
Tell us the NAME of the Site; THE URL; and which Arena it's in.
We promise to write about you giving a snappy SuspendA review
(time permitting) which may or may not translate into more votes.
Send your nominee to
DSuspendA, please.
DSpirit's Rumble Review for The lighter side of the Site Fights
bringing the many sides of
the Site Fights and it's fighters to lite!
Cruise the rest of the Site Fights rings also.
There's lots to see and do.
Please mail your feedback to DSuspendA at
"SuspendA'd Sentences"
and come back often.
After touring the Site Fights action
head on over to
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We'll give you your own private tour of the cans.
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