from
The ContendA who wears one red SuspendA
THE ENVELOPE, PLEASE!...
After going through 2 rounds here at the Site Fights as a reporter,
Make sure to read the rest of
The 3Ring Circuits! - We hope you enjoy our ramblings. Please Bookmark us.
3/23/97 - Look for a NEW SuspendA'd Sentences every Sunday
AND THE WINNER IS....
To read previous SuspendA'd Sentences click any of the dates below
3/9/97,
3/16/97,
3/20/97
I wuz beginning to grow weary. This is not an easy job.
3 minutes in the ring, dancing around while getting your ears boxed,
and your eyes and nose pounded, by your opponents
seems to be a picnic compared to sitting in the dark in my office,
trying to think up things to do and write about.
Suddenly one of DLittle DChamp's on my shelf stood up,
raised his arms above his head, smiled and glowed a golden color.
It wuz like a sign from above. I knew exactly what I would write about today.
(I wuzn't aware of it at the time but the light wuz actually coming from
the hole in the ceiling of my office, where the lightbulb should have been.
I later found out that the 12th hole of Dman's miniature golf game
wuz directly above me. Whenever he sunk a putt
all the lights turned on spelling "That's a Winner!")
I quickly lit the torch I brought back from Lady Char's and began typing.
SPECIAL TO DRUMBLE REVIEW!!
Every year the annual "Academy Awards Show"
(Yecch!! An example of Repetitive Redundant Writers Syndrome)
is seen by an audience almost as large as the Super Bowl or the Site Fights.
GlendA and yours truly, get all dressed up in our matching formal penquin PJ's
and lie in bed watching the show over the tops of our furry flipper slippers.
As I typed, thinking of the awards, the flickering candle made me drowsy.
I closed my eyes for just a second and when I opened them again
I wuz no longer in my office but backstage in a huge theater.
People were hustling and bustling around -
singers were rehearsing the 'Rocky' theme song -
A Kazoo Orchestra was humming an overture -
someone wearing a headset tapped me on the shoulder,
"You're on in five minutes, Mr. SuspendA,
with your opening monologue!", he said
"Monologue?... What Monologue?...Where am I?",
I screamed in panic.
He calmly said"This is the First Annual Site Fights
award show...Don't you remember? You're the Emcee.
Dman needed some sort of joke to start this show and he picked you.
Get out there knock em out!!!"
The lights in the theater went up,
the Kazooer's humming came to a rousing finish
and I was pushed through the curtain out in front of the crowd.
I must have done something right because the audience wuz hysterical.
(OH!NO! Not again!)
It seems that my SuspendA got caught on the doorknob
of the portable lavatory setup backstage
for the presenters to use before they came onstage
and I wuz dragging it with me as I came out.
I must have looked great on everyones color monitor -
A bright red emcee, wearing a red SuspendA,
penquin pajamas and flipper slippers,
dragging a red outhouse,
with one of the presenters trapped inside,
shouting "Hey, I'm not ready to go on yet!"
(What an entrance!.....What an embarrassment!)
The stage hands unhooked me and rolled the Water closet off stage
I pulled myself together and the audience settled down.
Standing at the emcee's podium, I began,
"Good evening, Site Fighters and voters everywhere.
I recognize many of you by the bottoms of your feet....
(Pause for laugh)(Silence)
many of you have seen the bottoms of my feet
as I wuz lying prone on the canvas...
(Pause for laugh)(Silence)
While I wuz sitting in the dark in my office before coming out here
thinking of missing lightbulbs I wuz reminded of some lightbulb questions like.....
"How many Clones does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
Answer -"As many as you like. As many as you like."
(Pause for laugh)
(Silence and embarrassed coughing and moving around)
ENOUGH WITH THE LAME HUMOR!!!
GET ON WITH THE AWARDS!!
flashed across the teleprompter I wuz reading from
so I did a quick seque to the intro for the 1st award.
"Without further ado,
I would like to present my 2 talented writing colleagues
DRose and Dmaestro to present the Award for
'Best Writing in One Line or Less on a Competing Site'"
DRose took the envelope, opened it and said "The Nominees are:
"Et Tu, Brute!" - Caesar's Quotable Quotes Clip Sounds
"Take my wife, Please!" - The Henny Youngman Humor Homepage
and "!" - Marcel Marceau's Mime Time Half Page.
She handed DMaestro the envelope. He opened it and said
"And the Winner is....
"!" - Marcel Marceau's Mime Time Half Page.
Unfortunately Marcel couldn't be with us tonight,
but he sent this thank you message to all of you "!!!!!!!!"
The Kazoo band played and DRose and Dmaestro walked off
carrying the coveted new 'DWinner Statue' (See detail below)
"DWinner Award" ©1997 The Site Fights
Next,the entire gang of Satellite Ring Leaders came out enmasse
all grabbing for the envelope at the same time.
The camera cut away quickly to the audience
a panning shot of feet bottoms in furry flipper slippers,
while order wuz being restored on stage.
In unison Nick, Luke, Lady Char, DPhoenix,DJimDJac and DWombat
read from the back of the envelope
The 10,385,786 Nominees for the 'Best Star Trek Page or Pages are
Too numerous to mention in the time we have alloted....
"And the Winner is....
"IT'S A TIE"
(Aside:"What're we going to do?... We didn't bring that many statues with us!)
"LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, TAKE A BATHROOM BREAK.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!"
We we're back on the air and DMaestro came out again
dressed in his ConductA black tie and tails
and led the Kazoo Band in a medley of music from the nominated Sites
When they finished I introduced DSpirit and DFairy who were the next presenters.
They waved their arms to stop the cheering and applause
sprinkling sparkle dust all over the stage and the audience.
DSpirit held the envelope and read in a spirited voice
The Nominees for the 'Best Site Stopping Music' are
"Stop in the Name of Love"- The Romeo and Juliet Love on the Web Homepage.
"Stop the World I Want to Get Off" - The Worldwide Travel Association Homepage
"Stop the Music Theme Song" - The Stop the Music $49. Quiz Show Page.
Everything came to a total stop as the familiar words came on the screen
PLEASE WAIT WHILE SOUND IS PROCESSED!
DFairy opened the envelope and said, " And the Winner is...
"Stop in the Name of Love" - Romeo and Juliet
"Unfortunately Romeo and Juliet couldn't be with us tonight
due to a double suicide pact."
DSpirit and DFairy flew off carrying DWinner Statue and
the Kazoo Band hummed a dramatic fanfare
as the spotlights circled the stage in a spectacular light show.
I stepped to the podium and introduced Dman
who wuz to present a special award.
He strode to the podium, alongside his caddy,
who wuz carrying his golf clubs.
He spoke in glowing terms about how
the Site Fights had grown
to be the most popular Site on the Web.
About major plans for expansion and finally tonights recipient of
"The Lifetime Site Fights Achievement Award"
"Ladies and gentlemen and Site Fighters wherever you are,"
he paused and then continued in melifluous, stentorian tones
(There's an oxymoron if I ever heard one)
"It is with extreme pride that I introduce to you
this talented individual who has devoted his entire life
to the Fights, - whose web skills are evident in the complex graphics,
animation and programming he puts into all his sites.
-Someone whose spirit, profound wisdom and love
exemplify just what the Site Fights are about...
Ladies and Gentlemen a huge round of applause for
this multimillionaire, philanthropist, who developed the
largest franchise chain of Lemonade stands on the Web...
the six year old Lemonade Stand Homepage Webmaster
'PeeWee' Bobby Driscoll!...
(Applause! - Applause!)
We're sorry folks, it's past Bobby's bedtime
so I'll E-Mail the Statue to him in the morning...Thank You!"
Everyone turned their attention to the large 8" monitor
behind my head as a montage of previous Site Fight Champion's
Sites were displayed on the screen to a snappy Kazoo melody.
At its conclusion I wuz supposed to take the last envelope
out of the breast pocket of my Penquin Pajamas and announce
"The Nominees for the
"ExChampions of the Fights Award are..."
I reached into the pocket and
ARGHHHH!!!! The pocket wuz empty. I lost the list!
another embarrassment...I'll never live this down!
Suddenly the gong sounded, signalling the end of 3rd work round
and jarring me awake. I wuz back in my office,
my head laying on my typewriter, staring at the flickering candle.
and you'll really connect with the lighter side of the Fights!
Cruise the rest of the Site Fights rings also.
I hope you enjoy yourselves as much as I do.
Please mail your feedback to DSuspendA at
"SuspendA'd Sentences"
and come back often.
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head on over to
Empty Trash Talk.
We'll give you your own private tour of the cans.
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