from
The ContendA who wears one red SuspendA
THE SUSPENDA GOES A ROUND
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3/20/97 - Special to the Rumble Review
OR A 3 MINUTE TOUR OF THE FIGHTS
I wuz humming some memorable Kazoo Music
as I went down the hall.
DRose stuck her head out and called me into her office.
I managed to avoid all the rose thorns and took the seat she offered me.
She asked me how I liked it here so far .
I said "Great!...the comraderie of the Site Fight Staff wuz terrific
and except for my office being so dark when the door is closed,
everything wuz wonderful."
DRose explained the lightbulb situation to me briefly.
It seems Dman took all non-essential bulbs and lamps
and is using them to illuminate the Miniature Golf Course
located in his office when he plays a round at night.
(I had the feeling I wuz going to be in the dark around here for a long time.)
She suggested I get out - go a round - visit some of the Sites
and do a Review besides my regular SuspendA'd Sentences column.
(I wondered just how many sites I could cover in just one 3 minute round).
I said I would give it a shot.
She gave me her Frequent Surfer credit card to use
(she needed the extra miles) and sent me on my way.
[Disclaimer: What follows are the Empty Trash Talk
rambling reviews of sites I have visited in this weeks contests.
The reviews are solely intended to add some fun to the Site Fights
and fun to my surfing time. No one connected with the Site Fights
should be held responsible for the thoughts and ideas, (hopefully humorous)
that appear here. Should any of the Sites that I have talked about
feel they want to respond they are welcome to visit me
at EMPTY TRASH TALK and review me in kind.
The Site Fights should continue to be fun and in no way
are the following words interpreted in any other light. Thank You.]
I went back down the hall and entered a door marked
Lady Char's Knights of the Ring
and found myself in an open, grassy field.
People were sitting on the backs of horses,
in front of open fire pits with boars cooking on rotating spits.
(Probably the first Tail gate party goers).
There were colorful tents all around and horses and Knights
and lances and jesters and I fit in very nicely.
(I'll go into more depth about Lady Char
and her site another time, right now the ContendA's)
The Royal Joust 1 wuz about to begin.
The first ContendA wuz
''KAT'S KEEP"
(Catchy name there. Wonder what Cats keep where? well let me see.)
She lives in this big castle inside these stonewalls
and Lyle Lovett is singing "My Fiona" in the background.
I got to the moat which wuz being guarded by a Jolly Green Giant...HO..HO...HO.
I waddled around with her quacky friends, Bob and Betty Duck,
who told me that Kat wuz at a POW WOW.
(I always thought ducks said quack quack, not POW WOW!)
After running and jumping over a bunch of castles,
somewhat like running a hurdles race
I arrived at a spot where there were a whole bunch of choices to push.
I pushed one that said "ABOUT ME"
and I discovered it wuzn't about me it wuz about her.
She's 13 years old and lives in Victoria, Canada.
(If she lives in a place like the castle
and has all this stuff at this age...
what's she gonna do when she grows up.)
It's a great jumping off and over the castles place
for you to begin your Jousting tour.
Put on your best metal and clang on in.
The next Jouster did something you're not gonna believe.
The history books won't tell you this happened
but this reporter wuz there to see it happen.
Robin Hood, the famous Sherwood Forest Bow wizard
got outshot by a forerunner of Annie Oakley.
SUE BURCH of
"THE BURCH FAMILY"site,
better known as Lady Susie Q, shot rings around him.
She oversees the family site which is loaded with info on Bows,
Buckmasters and will POW WOW
(That dog or duck is back again)
with you about Bowhunting.
(She said she would give me a couple of Bucks if I gave her a good review.
I quivered with delight and I assured her I could pull some strings around the fights.)
She is one tough ContendA -
There is a picture at her place showing her husband, Danny Burch,
mounted on the wall along with a whole herd of her Dear Trophies.
She is available as a deterrent for Deer
who are eating all your plants and Rhododendrons.
You'll be on target if you give this site a shot and a looksee.
The next Jouster
"SILLY GIRL CREATIONS"
got on a horse that was covered with a terrific variety of tiles
that double as backgrounds when they're not being used in Jousting.
She rode around giving buttons and bars and all sorts of other great graphics
to anyone in the crowd who would vote for her.
One person said "No thanks, Silly Girl...I could use a zipper, though!"
I took a whole pocketful of tiles from the great selection
to bring home to GlendA. We need to redo the bathroom floor.
I also took a row of BACK - HOME - NEXT Buttons
which reminded me I had to
go Back Home Next!
Go sample the goodies.
They're very useful and cheap if you're redecorating your site.
I felt sorry for the poor horse under the next Jouster
"KRISTIE'S PLACE IN CYBERSPACE".
Kristie loaded her house from Pekin, Illinois,
her husband, Reno and their 2 kids, McKenzie (4) and Carson (22mos.)
plus tons of Hot tips and other goodies on this poor animal
who wuz sagging in the middle under the weight.
(I'll bet he wished he wuz in Cyberspace).
Sampling some of her Hot Tips for the Internet, I discovered
Copy and Pasting - This wuz valuable to me
because I've taken a Pasting over some of the Copy I write.
Posting Pictures - My ex-manager's picture
wuz posted in the Post Office for a long time.
Clean Cache - I wuz familiar with this one.
A lot of the guys I grew up with were into "Money Laundering".
There are many more good tips
and a host of other things for your surfing pleasure.
Anybody know how to cure the sagging middle of an old horse let Kristie know.
Time wuz getting short
and there wuz one more Jouster to see
or in this case to hear.
The lovely and talented
"VERA" - International Singer
came out in what appeared to be a skin-tight outfit,
riding side saddle singing international songs
brought back from the Crusades
and tossing demo discs of her recordings to the crowd
as she rode around the Jousting Pit.
The crowd went wild. She is good.
I made sure to get autographed pictures to bring back for the kids.
Turn the sound up on your boom box and go listen.
Looking at the Sun Dial on top of the Stadium
I realized I had to speed things up
or I'd never make it back in time
for the 2 minute break between rounds,
so I raced over to the Royal Joust II
ROYAL JOUST II
"ARTHUR KNIGHT'S HOMEPAGE"
I raced over to meet this young Page.
(Sometimes you find out more about the stars
by talking to the people who serve them.)
I wuz ordered to leave my sword at the door.
Since I didn't have a sword, I checked my SuspendA and went in.
It wuz dark and lit only by a flickering torch.
(Maybe Dman would spring for something like this for my office).
The Page told me he just began working for Arthur this morning.
Arthur changes his pages all the time.
I guess it's not easy working for a king.
He offered a tour of the Castle
and showed me a full set of knights pictures.
I ordered a double set of 4x6's
from Arthur' s OverKnight Photo Shoppe to take back with me.
There was a linking room, where wayfaring strangers stay over,
meeting other Knights who contribute to Arthur's campaign fund,
and then accompany him on his Crusades for reform.
Arthur stopped by and gave me a suit of armor,
a sword, a lance and a trusty steed named RedBrace.
I put it all on and he dubbed me Sir SuspendAs
A Knight of the Royal Red Garter Society.
I went out the door, tripping on the heavy metal pants
that kept falling down without my SuspendA available to hold them up.
I wuz being watched by a guy who wuz so embarrassed for me
that his face had turned bright red.
He smiled at me through an enormous mouthful of teeth.
For your own Royal welcome go see
ARTHUR KNIGHT'S HOMEPAGE.
Outside again, I left RedBrace talking to some of the other Knights horses,
who were also tilting from all the weight they had to carry,
and went to the next site.
"TIPI'S RETREAT"
I clanked over to Tipi's Tent
(It resembled a Tepee and seemed a little odd here
but nobody else seemed to notice)
and visited with Lady Michelle and Lord Jerry
(he makes all their pictures) for a while.
It was a little crowded in there
because their dogs and their Paws were there also.
(It's lucky their Maws were outside working the crowd.)
Lady Michelle wuz here on a buying trip of Ye Olde Antiques
for Tiques, a shop back in the manse of Southwestern Montana.
(Jerry showed me some pictures of it. He wuz sorry
he didn't have any new ones but everything in the Shoppe is Olde)
Before I left me and Tipi got on our horses, lances poised and posed
for Jerry who made the picture below for me to take back home
as a momento of my retreat at Tipi's.
For a nice homey visit stop in.
I wuz getting loaded down with goodies
(This reporter thing does have some neat perks)
when I bumped into Dick Crowley. He wuz giving some
"BUSINESS ASSISTANCE"
to some of the Knights.
He showed them a list of Knight and day products they could endorse.
He told them Celebrity endorsements are big where he comes from
and he'd negotiate terrific contracts for them.
"Galahad's Garden Air Freshener was already a big seller
in hundreds of dank, dark castles
and Galahad wuz making big bucks." he said.
For Hardwear, Softwear, Paging devices
and tons of other products and services
sign up for a Celebrity Knight BUSINESS ASSISTANCE tour.
The next place wuz a real eye opener for me.
"GOP INFIGHTING UPDATES"
(I knew that the Site Fights
had a whole slew of President's on Presidents Day
but Senators and Congressmen getting involved with the fights.
WOW!!! This fight thing is sweeping the country)
There wuz a picture of ET standing with these 2 politicos,
lobbying for lowering federal Phone Home rates.
All the esteemed government representatives
were getting hints from the Knights
regarding lancing their opponents
and how to shield themselves from public embarrassments.
They decided to form a committee and hold Round Table discussions about it.
Mark your ballot and go cast your vote.
Just don't get gaught in the Infighting.
After all the bickering and infighting I needed a change so I landed on
"CLOUD NINE"
Lady Casey and Sir Joey are a Match Made in Heaven.
There were Cloud Confessions - Internet Love Stories
and even Love Links for People Who Love Links.
(When I get back I'm gonna let Dman
know about this. He loves DLinks).
There wuz a lot of love floating around here.
(I know all about Love,... after all I wuz married 3 times).
Float on over and soak up the Love.
Checking the Sun Dial again
I realized I better speed things up even more.
I hopped on RedBrace and we trotted over
to the edge of the clearing to take
"A PEEK IN THE WOODS"
(WHEW!! I just wanted to make sure there wuz a K on that word.
Can't be to careful with typos).
This is a tough ContendA. She greets you, wearing Boxer shorts
and gives you a Bear hug, fills you with spirit,
cheers, a Picture of Lady Char and then gives you just a peek at things like
'The Bear Essentials' - (Seeing as how many times
my SuspendA embarrassed me in the raw, I figured I'd check it out.)
It was a section of Bear photos and Bear Jokes.
I went to take a peek at 'The Old Folks Home' and wuz shocked.
There were Joe and Narda
before they put themselves together in the morning.
(Somebody ought to warn them that visitors are coming
so they can put makeup on, shave and dress up for company.)
I had a QuickDraw contest with a guy
toting 2 six guns and firing away at me.
The armor I wuz wearing came in handy.
When you go visit call first and wear protective clothing.
ROYAL JOUST III
RedBrace carried me over to the 3rd Jousting Ring and dropped me in the
"AMERICAN BULLDOG OUTLET"
(Finally someone has come up with a place
to get Bulldogs at a discount price. I had to check this out.)
First I found out that there are Working Bulldogs.
They have their own lobby in Washington
for Unemployment benefits when they lose their jobs.
They checked my Breeding out when I arrived.
I told them I wuz running from Site to Site
and don't normally Breed dis way.
Then they showed pictures of some working dogs,
barked some commands at me and I begged,
fetched and sat still like I wuz told.
They patted me on the head and gave me a biscuit.
(This wuz good because with all the running
I forgot to bring my Lunch Box)
They don't know it but GlendA has been training me like a dog
since we've been married.
Every night when I snore, she pokes me and says"Rollover!!!"
If you're looking for the straight poop on Bulldogs
this place is loaded with it. Go see.... but watch where you step.
I needed some time to gather my thought to have some
"~~REFLECTIONS~~"
I entered and immediately met Lady Morathi.
She wuz breathtaking - six feet tall in black leather -
revealing More-a-thigh
(Obviously whence her name)
than I've seen anywhere in Lady Char's Middle Aged Retreat.
She told me she lives at the Silver Lake Inne, a local taverne.
Mora is her modern day reflection.
Her photos show her to have a Statuesque mother type look with catlike eyes.
She also lives at an Inne located in downtown Seattle near the Harbor,
under a public market sign. She showed me pictures of her favorite -
Vampire Hunter D (or is it DVampire Dhunter).
Since she wuzn't going to show me More-a-thigh
than I'd already seen I quickly left.
Go!....Reflect!....You'll like what you see.
The big money people must have heard about
Lady Char's quick success here at The Site Fights.
A Champion is always besieged by offers
and these guys want to turn her world
of Knights and Castles and Jousts into a theme park.
They must have sent one of their spies to infiltrate
because the next ContendA I went to visit wuz
"DISNEYFREAK'S FREAKY LINKS"
I entered the Castle and must have fallen in the moat
because next thing I know I'm getting soaked by cascades of water
and this kid is standing there and smiling at the whole thing.
I got out of the water and Walt and Mickey waved to me
and shouted "Hey!..watch out your step next time...
We try to keep everything here nice and neat
and besides that's the main water supply here at the park."
I sampled a few of DisneyFreak's Freaky Links,
which were all hand picked, I wuz told.
(Six fingered hands, I'll bet).
I had to answer a survey as to who wuz my favorite character -
Goofy- of course.
My favorite Empire - there are 2.
The Money Counting Room, where they give out samples,
and The Empire Strikes Back.
Go have your picture taken with Walt, Mickey and the gang.
Just don't drink the water.
"SCHIZOBECK'S HOME PAGE AND WRITER'S FORUM"
I can understand why this wannabee writer
who works as a medical transcriptionist is Schizo.
First thing she likes is eating bugs.
Then she tells her life story to a bunch of nuts,
plays chess with a whole regiment,
mentally links to the Mensa Home page
and tops it all off by answering wierd science questions
that the Mensa group ask like "Why is the sky Blue?"...
"Where does the sun go when the moon is Up?".
This is a disturbed ContendA....
but I can relate because she's a personal friend of Einstein
and has set up a chat room where you can talk to him,
and yes!!!! he answers you.
(She also has a real candid photo of me after my visit.
(You can see my Red SuspendA has snapped up under my chin).
Relatively speaking....she associates with a high level of nutcakes.
Pull up a padded cell and chat for awhile.
I whispered in RedBrace's ear
to get me over to the last place in this Joust.
I'm not sure how much longer my SuspendA
can hold up these tight fitting metal jeans,
and my pointy shoes are curling up
higher and higher with every step I take.
We needed a place for a quick rest
so we headed towards this grey looking castle
and crossed the Drawbrige, entering the
"THELGARD KEEP IN NERAKA"
Inside there were 2 Kandles flickering in the windows
so that the Late Knight Knights kan find their way home.
There wuz a long History of the Keep
that I Krawled through the skreen reading.
There were many topiks to select like Krynn Races
(A running kommentary of the makeup of the the Krynn's) -
Knights of Tahksis and a bunch of Kool links
to other Keeps and Dungeons and Dragons.
For my money Thelgard Keep in Neraka is a real Keeper.
The sand in my Dick Tracy wrist SandTimer
wuz beginning to run out and I still had
one more Joust to go so I really sped things up.
ROYAL JOUST IV
"THE TRIBAL ISLAND"
International Home of the Tribe
Great!!! Baseball's my favorite sport next to boxing and Cleveland's
a great team so I bought a ticket from a wandering minstrel and went in.
UH! OH! Wrong again this is a place of hedonistic indulgence
where the head of the government is DKing.
I turned my back to him, bowed
and my metal pants slipped down again.
I got thrown in jail for mooning DKing
by the Prime Minister, Dave Kinsella(A nice Fella).
It turns out thet this wuz Uncool (*see laws).
The whole group of laws are administered by Judge Alf
(I always wondered where he landed after his hit TV series).
The List of laws is sung incoherently by Bob Dylan.
Go to this little island getaway for a good time.
Just don't moon DKing.
I paid the fine, jumped on RedBrace
and we just barely caught the last banana boat back to the Jousts.
We arrived at
"THE PLACE WHERE DAWN NEVER BREAKS"
Romeo and Juliet's Web Site
(I figured I could pick up some time here if the clock never moves like it says)
These two lovers were busy tossing a small angel back and forth when I got there.
The usher took me to a seat in the second balcony
and I eavesdropped on the lovers.
A lute player played some romantic music and Knights were hugging Knights.
Allen wuz whispering his undying devotion to Kristen
and all the Lady's in waiting were crying...it wuz beautiful.
Just then my stomach let out one of those embarrassing god awful sounds,
reminding me that I hadn't eaten anything except for that doggie treat earlier.
The whole mood wuz broken.
The audience booed and hissed me out of the theatre
and back to the Jousting alley.
When you go visit The Place Where Dawn Never Breaks,
and you should, let me know how the lovers are doing.
Lady Char's World has so many interesting places to see
and ContendA's to visit that I thought maybe I should stop for a bite
and get a DragonburgerKing for me and some oats for RedBrace.
I took a wrong turn and we ended up in
*THE OFFICIAL ZEKELAND HOME PAGE*
The Country of Zekeland, it seems
wuz discovered by Adwinian explorer named Ezekial Quixote Bonura.
It's located just outside of Pete'sburg.
The Grand Knights (and glorious days) of ZeLand brought it all together.
There's a Zekeland News to read, an Organized Chaos Page
( My office is like that),
a Page 'OLinks(Sounds like links to the Emerald Island),
Tons of neat stuff to download and much more.
Their Bill of Rights contains some interesting items.
The Right to sing badly -
the Right to yell annoying phrases -
the Right to keep your arms -
the Right to jump into a Lobster pot,
which I did because I wuz so hungry.
Bloated and picking lobster meat from my teeth I proceeded up
"THE LIFT HILL"
I needed a lift so I entered and wuz I taken for a ride.
Up and Down, over and under, in and out.
I wuz in a virtual loop dloop. I turned green.
DLobster wuz not such a good idea just before this.
I embarrassed myself again
by barfing all over the Roller Coaster Gallery.
(My reputation at the Sites is going to precede me
and pretty soon I won't be able to go anywhere).
I learned a lot of stuff about Roller Coasters -
Their history, The 2 Space Mountains,
Zippin Pippin, UltraTwister and more.
(I wuz a pretty good twister
when the 1st Mrs. SuspendA and I would dance)
I apologized to Chris for messing up the Gallery
and left, still a little green around the gills.
RedBrace was Neigh,Neighing
like he wanted to go on the ride again.
I looked at the name on the last Knights Horse
and wuz a little leery about going over to his site,
especially after what just happened,
but duty is duty, so we went.
"ROLIVER'S WORLD"
The first thing Rick Oliver
(Oh! That's where the site name comes from)
told us wuz he had a lot of different aliases in his day,
even one that went so far as 'Icky Liver'
(I'll leave you to figure that one out.
I wonder how 'OntendA UspendA' sounds?......Nah!!!)
Anyway, one of Rick's passions is RAGE, a collectible card game,
I gather, and he's some sort of an expert on the different decks.
I tried some of the decks.
I shuffled over to the 'Vampire Kick Butt' deck and picked it up.
I turned white, the green color drained from my face.....
The sucker punched 2 holes in my thumb and drained me dry.
Quickly I tried 'The Speed of Thought' deck and lost again.
GlendA always said I have more brains in my little finger
than I have in my whole head.
Trying to recoup my losses I tried the "1st Team #21" deck
-ARGHHH!!! -
I lost all my money. The dealer kept drawing 21.
There's a whole slew of decks and players he'll review for you.
(Probably a lot better than having me do it for you).
Go and deal yourself in.
Before I lost my SuspendA and pants again I left.
I kissed Lady Char, RedBrace and bid goodbye to Young Page.
Everyone was packing up their tents
and heading over to the Knights Arena for the main event.
The arm on the big gong under the stadium sundail
wuz already on its way to sounding the end of the round
I said I'd be back again to review the whole site,
including the Main Event, turned and walked out the door
and back to my office carrying my notes
and my Heavy Metal souvenirs and momentos.
and you'll really connect with the lighter side of the Fights!
Cruise the rest of the Site Fights rings also.
I hope you enjoy yourselves as much as I do.
Place your feedback in our Can Mail and come back often.
After touring the Site Fights action
head on over to
Empty Trash Talk.
We'll give you your own private tour of the cans.
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